New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
