if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
