Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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