New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
