saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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