Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
