so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
My penis needs a shock collar
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
