I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
We need to get me chipped asap
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
