You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
