I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
