Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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