Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
