I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
The air taste purple.
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