I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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