There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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