Where are you?
In a non slutty way
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
