I wish I only lived at night.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
The power of my boobs compel you
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