They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
