"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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