it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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