Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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