god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
