Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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