Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
