dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
