her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
