People in love make me want to vomit
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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