i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize