he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
