I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
