So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
