I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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