its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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