I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
