Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
