My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
