I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
