Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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