Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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