Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
