Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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