If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
