No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
