the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
