I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
