There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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