haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
