grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
