Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
