You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
