I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
