i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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