U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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