I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Randomize
