if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
