you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
