ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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