As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
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