When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
